OK, this stuff is terrifically off-topic, but it gives me an excuse to post SOMETHING every day (or nearly so…. whenever I’m near my lap-top) and thus perhaps remind me to post SERIOUS stuff every day. I don’t pretend to make this stuff up, and hopefully I’ve correctly attributed all of it. If anyone notes an error, please do drop me an e-mail.
January 3, 2012
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: “Dear Mr. Churchill. Enclosed are two tickets to the opening night of my new play. Please bring a friend if you have one.”
Churchill’s reply: “Dear Mr. Shaw. Cannot make opening night. Will come on the second night, if there is one.”
January 27, 2012
(author’s note – boy, I let this idea go down the tubes, didn’t I?)
Oscar Wilde: “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
February 7, 2012
(author’s note — wow…. almost two weeks between jokes. A commentary on my life?)
A couple of weeks ago, Lynnda and I had the real pleasure of touring the recently restored Ringling Mansion, Ca’ d’Zan, in Sarasota, Florida. I was surprised (well, not really) to find that Will Rogers, one of the great American wordsmiths, was a frequent guest of the John and Mabel Ringling, and in fact had a regular bedroom on the 3rd floor with a wonderful view of Sarasota Bay (and also right down the stairs from Ringling’s illegal but huge, prohibition-era liquor safe). In his honor, a couple of great Will Rogers quotes:
- A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
- About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
- An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.
- Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
- Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.
- Democrats never agree on anything, that’s why they’re Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
- I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him “father.”
February 28, 2012
(note: yeah…. February hasn’t been a very funny month)
So, a guy (or gal, take your pick) walks into a Vet’s office with his(her) pet duck, who is limp and lifeless. The Vet lays the duck on the table, and after a cursory exam, pronounces the duck “dead”. The man says, “Are you sure? Aren’t there some tests you can run?”
With that, the Vet nods, and slips off to another room. In a moment, he returns with a Labrador Retriever (it being a Vet’s office and all…). The Lab sniffs the duck a bit, then turns his head to the Vet and shakes a very visible “No”. The Vet turns to the owner and says, “Well, it seems to be confirmed. You’re duck’s dead.”
Again, the man demands another test, so the Vet goes and fetches a nearby cat. Setting the cat on the bench with the lifeless duck, the cat sniffs around a bit, and then turns to the Vet, shaking its head to confirm the prior diagnosis. The owner, chagrined, accepts the facts and asks the Vet, “Well, what do I owe you?”
The Vet replies, “That’ll be $150.”
“What?!” the man exclaims, “$150? Why so much?”
The Vet replies, “Well, if you’d simply accepted my original diagnosis, it would have been only $20. But… “
(wait for it…. you can almost hear it already, right?)
“… you’re the one who insisted on the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.”
July 30, 2012
Wow…. it’s not that I don’t have any good jokes! It’s just that most of what I hear isn’t fit for public consumption!
With that in mind….
Two guys are sitting at a bar in Manhattan, and it’s obvious they’ve both had too much to drink. One turns to the other and says, “Hey, you look strangely familiar. Where are you from?”
“I’m from Seattle, how about you?”
“Wow, so am I. What part of Seattle?”
“I grew up in Ballard. Went to Ballard High School.”
“No kidding! So did I! I graduated in 1972. How about you?”
“I did too! You must be kidding! I was in Ms. Blanchard’s home room.”
“Me too! Darn, I don’t know why I don’t recognize you….”
Just then, one bartender turned to the other and said, “It’s gonna be one of those nights. The O’Reilly twins are drunk again.”